Vulnerable: Part 1
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:25, NKJV)
This was what happened after God created woman (Eve) out of man (Adam) and presented her to Adam and he confirmed her as the bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:21-24). The first time I truly understood this above passage in Genesis 2:25 was when I got married. You see, normally as humans, we are not keen to show our nakedness to the world but when a man and a woman get married, that is meant to change. Nakedness is not just physical but spans different aspects of a person’s life including emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of their lives. Let’s look at some practical examples of what it means to be vulnerable in these different areas:
Physical Vulnerability
Body
The Bible reminds us in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that husbands and wives are not to refrain their spouse from having sexual intercourse with them, except with mutual consent, and should regain such activity afterward to prevent the other from falling into temptation. Withholding sex, yes sex, from your spouse as a form of punishment or under the excuse of “I’m having a headache” and “this excuse” has lasted for months, which is just lies because you’re upset with your spouse is not scripturally acceptable.
“3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5, NLT)
2. Your True Look
Don’t hide your true look from your spouse, whether it’s your face, skin tone, weight, or hair. There is nothing wrong with enhancing those features such as occasionally wearing makeup, wigs, etc but when it is done consistently to a point where you feel ashamed for your spouse to see you without such items, vulnerability is not present. Some spouses hide some physical aspects of themselves from their spouses because they are uncomfortable with their looks. This underlying discomfort needs to be dealt with, in order for true vulnerability to take place.
3. Health Status
Openness concerning your previous or current health status allows couples to come together as one in fighting against sickness or infirmities, not just for the affected spouse but also for your children and the future generation. This knowledge allows you in acquiring the right information needed in preventing the occurrence in the next generation. As it’s commonly said, prevention is better than cure!
4. Finances
When you said, “with this ring I thee wed and with all my worldly goods, I thee endow” as part of your wedding vows or a version of it, the “worldly goods” include your finances. Your spouse has the right to know ALL your financial abundance, commitments, and any debts (if any). You can’t start a building project or investment or have a different bank account and hide such information from them. Hiding such will build division and erode trust in such relationships.
Emotional Vulnerability
Emotions are natural reactions triggered by different occurrences in life, including experiences, moods, and relationships with others (Oxford dictionary). A crucial makeup of a person is their emotions. It makes us relatable to others as everyone experiences similar emotions. Hiding your emotions from your spouse is hiding a crucial aspect of yourself.
Outward Expressions of Emotions
When you are excited, express it to your spouse, through your facial expressions such as laughter, smile, and grinning. This assists your spouse in understanding situations or things that gets you excited. On the other hand, if a situation occurs that triggers tears, do not hide the tears. Some men have been taught that men do not cry but this is a lie from the pit of hell. When Jesus’ friend, Lazarus died and saw the way people were crying, Jesus himself wept! It is not a sign of weakness to express tears because a person is grieving or going through a challenging situation. It is what you do afterward with the situation that matters.
“32 Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. 34 And He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept.” (John 11:32-25, NKJV)
2. Communicating Your Feelings
Jesus was nearing the time when He would be crucified on the cross and He went to the garden of Gethsemane to pray and went along with some disciples of His and expressed to them how He was feeling. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to your spouse. What really matters is how you handle that feeling. Jesus did not allow the feeling to overshadow his decision but instead went to pray to get to a place of peace.
“32 Then they came to a place which was named Gethsemane; and He said to His disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” 33 And He took Peter, James, and John with Him, and He began to be troubled and deeply distressed. 34 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch.” 35 He went a little farther, and fell on the ground, and prayed that if it were possible, the hour might pass from Him. 36 And He said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.” (Mark 14:32-26, NKJV)
Anger is another emotion that many people are afraid to express, though it remains in their hearts. Anger that is not dealt with will end up becoming resentment and bitterness. There is nothing wrong with expressing your anger but the bible reminds us not to sin as a result of it (Ephesians 4:26). Jesus was angry with the way the house was treated and he expressed it, yet He was in control of his emotions.
“13 It was nearly time for the Jewish Passover celebration, so Jesus went to Jerusalem. 14 In the Temple area he saw merchants selling cattle, sheep, and doves for sacrifices; he also saw dealers at tables exchanging foreign money. 15 Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers’ coins over the floor, and turned over their tables. 16 Then, going over to the people who sold doves, he told them, “Get these things out of here. Stop turning my Father’s house into a marketplace!” (John 2:13-16, NLT)
When you are upset, acknowledge you are upset and communicate the reason why you are upset (what caused it and how that made you feel). Remember, when communicating this to your spouse, it is NOT about who your spouse is but how that situation made you feel. For example, “What you said made me feel belittled” Versus “You are so bad with words”. The first statement is focusing on how the action affected you as a person while the second statement is an attack on the other person.
Your spouse has the right to see all the sides of you, without you having to fake the emotions you might be experiencing. However, remember that your emotions do not have to control you. You have control over your emotions! A wise person once said, “Let wisdom precede emotions”.
Mental Vulnerability
Inspirations
Just like we have ‘watch parties’ where you allow friends and families to watch the same thing you’re interested in, likewise, sharing books, people or messages, or activities that mentally stimulate you with your spouse allows them to gain access to the world in your mind. It helps in mapping out what inspires you and shows them how they can motivate you when needed. I’ve learned some amazing principles because of some documentaries my husband has shared with me, which I sometimes even use as analogies during my teaching sessions.
2. Value Systems
Part of knowing the makeup of a person is also knowing and understanding their value systems, their beliefs, and principles they hold dearly in their heart. For example, if integrity is one of such, expressing that to your spouse will help them understand that being doubleminded concerning a decision might not be something they appreciate because such action communicates to them that their words and heart are not aligned. Sometimes, a discussion might need to be had with your spouse in expressing principles or beliefs that matter to you.
Spiritual Vulnerability
Vision
Sharing the vision or assignment God has given you is something that should be shared with your spouse after moving past the stealth mode period. One of the strongest ways that couples bond is through spiritual bonding. Marriage is God bringing a man and a woman to fulfill a vision He has ordained. When visions are shared with each other and accepted, it knits the hearts of the couples together as one. This is because you are running in the same direction God has ordained for you both, which is a connection point for you both. One of the reasons why the building of the tower of babel was successful before God interrupted it was because they had one goal, one language, and one purpose. Sharing the vision with your spouse builds excitement in them, which is an extra fuel needed in running with that vision. If one person gets tired or discouraged, you have the other person to lift them up, which helps with the continuity of vision.
“ 9 Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NKJV)
2. Revelations
Revelations are so sweet and can easily make a person feel like they are “high in the HolyGhost” because concealed information has been unfolded to you. There is an inner joy it triggers with an outward expression of rejoicing, laughing, or verbal expressions such as “Yesssss”, “Thank You Jesus”, “This is so deep Lord” etc. When such excitements happen as a result of what the Holy Spirit revealed to you, don’t just keep it to yourself. Share such excitement and revelation with your spouse as well. This tightens the bond you have with them because you are bringing them into your own world as well. Just the same way you will share a great deal happening in a store you like to whoever is willing to listen, likewise, share revelations with your spouse. This might even trigger a deeper conversation and further revelation provided as you engage in such. Revelation is sweet and please ensure you share that sweetness with them!
3. Instructions
When instructions are given to you by God, after understanding and putting a system to ensure you obey that instruction, sharing that with your spouse is another point of accountability. It also communicates that you value instructions from God. Adam was instructed not to eat from a particular tree in the garden and when the devil came to tempt Eve, you will notice she repeated the instruction, which means Adam communicated it to her (Genesis 2:16-17; Genesis 3:2-3).
A word to the spouse being told about the instruction: If your spouse shares an instruction given to them by God, please join them in prayer, seeking God’s grace for them to fulfill that instruction, to ensure their obedience is complete. Zipporah was aware of the command about circumcision and when the angel was about to kill Moses after speaking with God, she was able to perform the circumcision, which spared the life of Moses. Support your spouse in ensuring they fulfill that instruction from God.
“24 Now it happened at the lodging place, that the Lord met Moses and sought to kill him [making him deathly ill because he had not circumcised one of his sons]. 25 [a]Then Zipporah took a flint knife and cut off the foreskin of her son and threw it at Moses’ feet, and said, “Indeed you are a husband of blood to me!” 26 So He let Moses alone [to recover]. At that time Zipporah said, “You are a husband of blood”—because of the circumcision.” (Exodus 4:24-26, AMP)
4. Victories
Celebrating victories alone is not fun. In Romans 12:15, we are reminded to rejoice with those that rejoice and when your victories are to be shared with your spouse. This is a joint victory. If they win, you win!
In our next blog (Part 2), we will discuss some things that might prevent people from being vulnerable with their spouses and further explore how to effectively become vulnerable with them. Being open with another human being can sometimes be a scary thing to do but when done in a safe space and with the right person, there is nothing to be worried about. This is because God has not given you the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. He is willing to help you scale through that fear and boldly become vulnerable with your spouse, however, the first step is in giving your life to Jesus Christ. If you will like to take that step today, please say this prayer with me:
“Lord Jesus Christ, I believe you are the Son of God and I believe You died for me on the cross of Calvary. I know I am a sinner and today, I come to You to forgive me for all my sins and to make me a brand-new creation. I accept You as my personal Lord and Saviour. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me and making me born again, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Congratulations!!!! You are now born-again! This means you have been engrafted into the family of Jesus Christ. If you made this decision, I would love to hear from you today and provide resources for your new journey! Please kindly visit https://www.cccghq.org/newlife and also leave a comment on this post.