Vulnerable: Part 2
In our last blog, ‘Vulnerable- Part 1’, we talked about what it looks like to be vulnerable. In today’s blog post, we will examine some hindrances that prevent people from being vulnerable with their spouses and explore how to deal with such barriers.
Hindrances to vulnerability and how to deal with it.
Trauma
According to the American Psychological Association, Trauma is defined as an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster, which can lead to immediate responses such as shock or denial. Trauma attacks a person’s sense of security. For example, if an individual experienced verbal abuse in a previous relationship, which wasn’t dealt with, and proceeds to get married to another individual, he/she might have their defenses always up when around their spouse because of their subconscious expectation of similar abusive words being spoken to them. Another example could be financial abuse that took place in a previous relationship, where their finances were restricted by their partner and even though they are now married to a different individual, he/she might find it difficult to trust their spouse with finances due to events of the past. This might cause them to take actions such as hiding bank accounts from their spouse or having secret “backup stash” accounts.
How to Deal with Trauma
Acknowledge something is wrong
Admit your part in the traumatic experience.
This helps to bring out things that were suppressed.
Identify where it all started and recount the traumatic experience.
This entails where, when, and with whom did the traumatic event all begin. It is advisable to go through this process with the Holy Spirit and someone you feel safe with and can be vulnerable with such as human spiritual authorities, mentors, counselors, and psychologists.
Re-evaluate a fresh perspective
This ensures all internal and external accusers such as lies of the devil, lies of others, or accusers in the mind. This would deal with any residual guilt and condemnation an individual might be experiencing.
Relearn a new way of life and behaviour
This would include renewing the mind, learning how to receive love and give love; submitting to the authority of the word, the Holy Spirit, and human spiritual authority in disciplining one’s will.
Please note, the above points are exerted from the sermon “Overcoming Trauma” by Pastor Emmanuel Adewusi. For an in-depth explanation of how to overcome trauma, please have a listen to the full sermon by Pastor Emmanuel Adewusi here: “Overcoming Trauma”
Fear
Fear is an immobilizer, that prevents a person from taking the necessary steps they need to take in building vulnerability in their relationships. Many people find it challenging to be vulnerable with their spouses because of the fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown. Fear always cripples a person and the relationships they are in. It overly exaggerates a situation or tells them a lie, making it seem so real, which puts the mind and emotions in a state of shock, making it challenging to open up to their spouse when in actual fact, all it is painting in their mind is false.
How to Deal with Fear
First of all, fear is a spirit and it takes another spirit (the word of Jesus Christ) to fight against another spirit. You first rebuke the hold of fear over your life and find scripture where you have gotten revelation demystifying the spirit of fear. For example, 2 Timothy 1:7, says:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV)
As you meditate on that scripture until revelation light jumps out, you will cripple the hold of fear over your life. You will begin to see the actual reality of the blessings of being vulnerable with your spouse and grace to take that bold step will be released. Please listen to “Understanding and Overcoming the Spirit of Fear” by Pastor Emmanuel Adewusi.
Pride
Being vulnerable requires a humble heart posture, acknowledging that you are in need of another person’s influence and impact in your life. Pride prevents a person from seeing the need for another person, making them overestimate their own strength until they get to a point of crashing. We are not designed to carry the weight of the world all by ourselves and this is the reason why from the beginning of time, we see the need of others (even God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit all came together in creating man). Pride makes a person repulsive to others, leaving them all by themselves and living a life of limitation. We are reminded that:
“9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NLT)
A prideful person closes off their lives from their spouse and operates as “an individual”, instead of as “a team”, which robs them of the synergic result they could have gotten.
How to Deal with Pride
The solution to pride is Humility. It starts with acknowledging your need for your spouse. Then identify the value God has placed on the inside of them and begin to ask the Holy Spirit to help you see and identify how their value is aligned with yours and humbly work with them.
Shame
When individuals have engaged in actions or situations that they are not proud of, it opens the door to shame, which makes them respond with guilt and condemnation. For example, before Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the bible records in Genesis 2:25 that “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”. They were vulnerable with each other and also with God but the moment they ate of the forbidden tree, they went into hiding.
“6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. 8 When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man[a] and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. 9 Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” 10 He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” (Genesis 3:6-10, NLT)
Shame creates a distorted image of who a person is in their mind and every time they look at or think of themselves, it is through the lens of the shame associated with that event or occurrence. For example, if a wife in her past life underwent an abortion and has not dealt with any shame that might have risen up from that act, she might hide that aspect from her husband as a result of the shame, making it challenging to be vulnerable with him. The spirit of Shame is a silencer, that keeps a person muted and takes away their voice. Its aim is to subjugate a person in their own life, making them second-class in their own life.
How to Deal with Shame
There is nothing and I mean, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that Jesus Christ cannot forgive. Peter assured Jesus that he will not deny Him but when the pressure was hot, he not only denied him once but three times, with a point where his eyes locked with that of Jesus Christ. The shame Peter felt was so great that he could have ended up like Judas Iscariot who also experienced shame and committed suicide but Jesus did not desert Peter. When He resurrected and showed Himself to the disciples, Jesus asked for Peter specifically to help Peter realize that all was forgiven and restored Peter back as one of the disciples. Jesus Christ is the word of God and it is getting revelation that Jesus Christ already paid the full price for our sins and there is no sin too great for Jesus Christ to cover. He reminds us that:
“Therefore there is now no condemnation [no guilty verdict, no punishment] for those who are in Christ Jesus [who believe in Him as personal Lord and Savior]. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has set you free from the law of sin and of death. 3 For what the Law could not do [that is, overcome sin and remove its penalty, its power] being weakened by the flesh [man’s nature without the Holy Spirit], God did: He sent His own Son in the likeness of sinful man as an offering for sin. And He condemned sin in the flesh [subdued it and overcame it in the person of His own Son]” (Romans 8:1-3, AMP)
Listen to some testimonies of people rescued from the hold of shame, along with some in-depth ways to deal with shame in this message, “No More Shame” by Pastor Emmanuel Adewusi.
Are you struggling with any form of shame or any of the other hindrances of vulnerability? I have good news for you. You can begin to live a life void of them when you introduce Jesus Christ into your life and He will void you of those hindrances and make you free to enjoy vulnerability with your spouse. If you will like to take the step of allowing Jesus Christ to come into your life as your personal Lord and Savior, please say this prayer with me:
“Lord Jesus Christ, I believe you are the Son of God and I believe You died for me on the cross of Calvary. I know I am a sinner and today, I come to You to forgive me for all my sins and to make me a brand-new creation. I accept You as my personal Lord and Saviour. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me and making me born again, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Congratulations!!!! You are now born-again! This means you have been engrafted into the family of Jesus Christ. If you made this decision, I would love to hear from you today and provide resources for your new journey! Please kindly visit https://www.cccghq.org/newlife and also leave a comment on this post.