Dealing With The In-Laws- Part 2
In the last blog, we discussed some wisdom nuggets in dealing with in-loves (aka in-laws) from the perspective of daughters/sons-in-loves. Today, we will be focusing on how parents/siblings-in-law should treat and relate to their in-loves.
Wisdom Nuggets to the Parents/Siblings-in-Law
Accept Them
There is already the fear your daughter/son-in-law has that they would not be loved or accepted by you and I understand that they may be new to your life or haven't spent as many years with you as your biological child but now that they are joined with your biological child, you need to have an open heart towards them. Loving a person starts with a decision to accept and love them as your own. The moment that decision is settled in the heart, it will begin to affect your outward love display to them. This is because out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34).
You have everything to gain when you accept and treat them right. Peter’s mother-in-law was sick and he beckoned on Jesus to heal her and she was healed (Mark 1:29-31). Can you imagine if she had not treated Peter right, he may have secretly been happy and praying that she would transition out of this earth. Accepting them and treating them right gives an extra motivation for them to take care of you, especially in old age. Naomi understood this principle and when you read about her story in the book of Ruth, you will notice that Ruth took care of her mother-in-law throughout her time on earth, even when there were no more marital ties with her (Ruth’s husband’s death).
“Boaz answered her, “I’ve heard all about you—heard about the way you treated your mother-in-law after the death of her husband, and how you left your father and mother and the land of your birth and have come to live among a bunch of total strangers. GOD reward you well for what you’ve done—and with a generous bonus besides from GOD, to whom you’ve come seeking protection under his wings.” (Ruth 2: 11-12, The Message)
2. Love and Honor Them
There are generic ways to love and honor a person but it takes being deliberate and making a decision to love and honor a person in a way they understand and can relate to. One way of doing so is by understanding their love language. You can acquire this understanding of their love language by observation, asking your biological child, or asking the Holy Spirit. Let’s look at some practical ways you can express love to them
Praying for them (Acts of Service). You actually bond with someone you pray for
Giving them compliments (Words of Affirmation).
Hugging and Embracing them (Physical Touch).
Remembering and celebrating milestones in their lives (Quality time, Gifts, Words of affirmation)
Releasing blessings over their lives on a regular basis (Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation)
Calling them (Quality time). You don’t need to wait for them to initiate the call.
Lending a helping hand with your grandchildren (Acts of Service)
Engaging in activities together (Quality time). E.g cooking together, shopping together, doing repair projects together, etc.
Share words of wisdom with them lovingly (Quality Time)
3. Respect their Boundaries
One way you honor them is by respecting their boundaries. Jethro came to visit Moses and observed the way his son-in-law, Moses was doing ministry, and even though Jethro was a priest himself, he honored and respected Moses’s boundaries when he gave him a piece of advice on a better approach to serving the people of God. He did not force his suggestion on Moses but left it to the discretion of Moses to accept it or not.
“17 “This is not good!” Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. 18 “You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself. 19 Now listen to me, and let me give you a word of advice, and may God be with you. You should continue to be the people’s representative before God, bringing their disputes to him. 20 Teach them God’s decrees, and give them his instructions. Show them how to conduct their lives. 21 But select from all the people some capable, honest men who fear God and hate bribes. Appoint them as leaders over groups of one thousand, one hundred, fifty, and ten. 22 They should always be available to solve the people’s common disputes, but have them bring the major cases to you. Let the leaders decide the smaller matters themselves. They will help you carry the load, making the task easier for you. 23 If you follow this advice, and if God commands you to do so, then you will be able to endure the pressures, and all these people will go home in peace.” (Exodus 18:17-23, New Living Translation)
In the case of Moses, he followed the advice of his father-in-law but there are times when your suggestions would not be followed. In that case, please do not take offense to them as this is part of respecting their boundaries. Remember, they are mature adults and now that they have their own family, they will give an account to God (especially the men) on how they led their family and NOT you. Love does not force its own way on people (1 Corin 13:5) and this was a principle Abraham understood when he allowed Lot to choose which land he wanted to take (Genesis 13).
4. Do not be Manipulative
Manipulation is driven by fear. Some in-laws are very manipulative because they have several fears such as fear of being forgotten, fear of not being needed, fear of losing their child/sibling, causing them to compete with the spouse, etc. Fear never brings any good thing and the same applies when dealing with in-laws. Your daughter/son/brother-in-law you manipulate will end up resenting you later on. This was the mistake Laban made with Jacob, his son-in-law. Laban was very manipulative towards Jacob and in the end, he lost one of the greatest assets to his business, Jacob. If Laban had seen Jacob as his own son, his business empire could have expanded to be so great (like in the case of Potiphar’s business handled by Joseph) because God was blessing Laban’s business because of Jacob but instead, he allowed pride and manipulation get the best of him and he lost Jacob at the end.
“But Laban said to him, “If I have found favor in your sight, stay with me; for I have learned [from the omens in divination and by experience] that the Lord has blessed me because of you.” (Genesis 30:27, Amplified)
Deal with whatever fears you have and you will begin to see what a blessing your daughter/son/sibling-in-law is to you.
5. Forgive
There would be times when your daughter/son/sibling-in-law will offend you or wrong you. When that happens, please forgive them. Acknowledge you are hurt and whatever was done did not sit well with you and then make a decision, with the help of the Holy Spirit to forgive them. Remember, they are only humans and love keeps no record of being wronged (1Corinthians 13:5) but instead chooses to cover the multiple wrongs done. Ensure you do not ruminate or ponder on it. Every time you mention the wrong done to you, it keeps that offense on life support and it begins to affect the closeness you have with them
“ Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” (Proverbs 17:9, New Living Translation)
I can give multiple tips on steps you can take but what truly powers these steps and releases the grace in following through with these wisdom nuggets is receiving grace from the Holy Spirit. He is the one that would empower you when it might seem challenging to practice these steps but you can only gain access to Him by giving your life to Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you will like to take that step today, please say this prayer with me:
“Lord Jesus Christ, I believe you are the Son of God and I believe You died for me on the cross of Calvary. I know I am a sinner and today, I come to You to forgive me for all my sins and to make me a brand-new creation. I accept You as my personal Lord and Saviour. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me and making me born again, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Congratulations!!!! You are now born-again! This means you have been engrafted into the family of Jesus Christ. If you made this decision, I would love to hear from you today and provide resources for your new journey! Please kindly visit https://www.cccghq.org/newlife and also leave a comment on this post.