Dealing With The In-Laws- Part 1
I remember in high school when a senior female student mentioned hoping her mother-in-law was not alive when she wanted to get married. I had not experienced difficulties with mothers-in-law firsthand but I had seen movies where it depicted animosity between the wife and the mother-in-law with most portraying the husband’s mother as a “monster-in-law”. Even with such exposure to movies and other people’s experiences with their in-laws, I had always believed it was possible to have a great relationship with one’s mother-in-law and I got so excited when I read the story of Ruth and Naomi. Before we dive in, I want to mention that some difficulties that are experienced between spouses and their in-laws could be caused primarily because of the spouses (wife or husband) or the in-laws themselves. In today’s blog, we will explore some wisdom nuggets that can be applied by daughters/sons-in-law. This will not only be focusing on interactions with mothers-in-law but these principles can be extended and applied to our relationships with fathers-in-law, and siblings-in-law. In the next blog, we will examine some practical steps to be taken by parents/siblings-in-law to foster a better relationship with your in-laws. Let’s dive in!
Wisdom Nuggets to the Daughters/Sons-In-Law
Accept Your In-Laws
In your wedding vows when you repeated, “With this ring, I thee wed, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow”, what was included in your spouse’s “worldly goods” included their family. You don’t just get married to just your spouse but you also get married to everything about him/her which includes his/her past, present, and future. In both his past, present, and future, his/her family is featured and you saying “I do”, means you say “I do also to the extended family”. You need to begin to see them as your own family as well and not “his/her family”. There is a different level of bonding that gets established when you choose to see them as your own family and you treat them accordingly. The same things you will do for your own biological parents and siblings should be something you are willing to do for your spouse’s parents and siblings as well. The way you speak with respect to your family should be the same way you speak with love and respect to your spouse’s family. Someone decided that instead of calling their spouse’s family “in-laws”, they will change that to “in-loves” and this is one principle I have adopted as well. It removes the demarcation and provides an inclusive perspective. There is a sense of belonging that it provides to them. This was one principle that Ruth understood and flowed in such revelation when she said to Naomi, her mother-in-law in Ruth 1:16:
“But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” (New Living Translation)
Make a decision to accept them, all their flaws, mistakes, and strengths just the same way you accept all of that of your own biological family.
A Word to Wives: When your in-loves come visiting, especially your mother-in-love, make your home conducive to the best of your ability, in order for her to feel welcome. Sometimes, it is the little things like not being too protective over your kitchen or who cooks that send the signal, especially to your mother-in-love that you see her as your mother.
2. Love and Honor Your In-Laws
If you read the story of Ruth, you will notice that the way she treated Naomi was with so much love and honor, making it become the talk of the town and something respected by many.
“10 Then she kneeled face downward, bowing to the ground, and said to him, “Why have I found favor in your eyes that you should notice me, when I am a foreigner?” 11 Boaz answered her, “I have been made fully aware of everything that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband, and how you have left your father and mother and the land of your birth, and have come to a people that you did not know before. 12 May the Lord repay you for your kindness, and may your reward be full from the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.” (Ruth 2:10-12, Amplified)
Show love and honor to your parents/siblings-in love because you never know how that, in turn, can come back to you. Ruth did not have a clue that she was working in the fields of one of Naomi’s relatives, Boaz, to whom she ended up getting married to. Whatever you sow, you will eventually reap it (Galatians 6:8). Love and Honor are things that begin from your heart and accepting them as your own family is where it all begins. Once acceptance has taken place, begin to understand the love languages of your parents/siblings-in-loves and show love to them in those ways. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages”, refers to several ways we can show love to others which include giving gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. Study your in-loves, ask your spouse about them and what their love languages may be, and extend love to them in a language they will understand. This is not a bribe but an act of love.
In addition, extend the same honor you will extend to your biological parents or siblings to your spouse’s parents and siblings. Treat them with respect in your thoughts, speech, and actions. When you welcome honourable thoughts about your in-loves, it would eventually extend into the words you speak to them and the actions you take towards them. “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). Some practical steps include:
Praying for them (Acts of Service)
Sending them an appreciative text message (Words of Affirmation)
Calling/texting them to check on them (Quality Time)
Remembering/celebrating their birthdays or special milestones in their lives (Gifts/Quality Time/Word of Affirmation)
Hugging/ Embracing them (Physical Touch)
Providing relevant information they need e.g in their career, health (Acts of Service)
Taking parents-in-law for health checkups (Acts of Service)
Paying them a visit (Quality Time)
3. Have Clear Boundaries
Sometimes, boundaries might be mistakenly or deliberately crossed by in-loves such as boundaries emotionally, financially, your living space, spiritually, mentally, etc, which can lead to issues in your interactions with your in-loves. If boundaries are being crossed by your in-loves, respectfully communicate that to them and ensure necessary adjustments are made. Mercy and truth are needed when communicating what your boundaries are as a family and you both need to uphold your own end.
“Do not let mercy and kindness and truth leave you [instead let these qualities define you]; Bind them [securely] around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.” (Proverbs 3:3, Amplified)
When Eleazar was sent by Abraham to find a wife for Isaac and he got to the family of Rebecca, even though the family had agreed to Rebecca going with him, they wanted to pull a fast one on him and asked her to remain for a few days, even after receiving gifts from Eleazar. Eleazar insisted she return with him to Isaac based on their agreement and they yielded. Boundaries were about to be crossed but Eleazar, representing Abraham and Isaac took his firm stance about the matter.
“29 Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, who ran out to meet the man at the spring. 30 He had seen the nose-ring and the bracelets on his sister’s wrists, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man had said. So he rushed out to the spring, where the man was still standing beside his camels.
50 Then Laban and Bethuel replied, “The Lord has obviously brought you here, so there is nothing we can say. 51 Here is Rebekah; take her and go. Yes, let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.”52 When Abraham’s servant heard their answer, he bowed down to the ground and worshiped the Lord. 53 Then he brought out silver and gold jewelry and clothing and presented them to Rebekah. He also gave expensive presents to her brother and mother. 54 Then they ate their meal, and the servant and the men with him stayed there overnight. But early the next morning, Abraham’s servant said, “Send me back to my master.” 55 “But we want Rebekah to stay with us at least ten days,” her brother and mother said. “Then she can go.” 56 But he said, “Don’t delay me. The Lord has made my mission successful; now send me back so I can return to my master.” 57 “Well,” they said, “we’ll call Rebekah and ask her what she thinks.” 58 So they called Rebekah. “Are you willing to go with this man?” they asked her. And she replied, “Yes, I will go.” 59 So they said good-bye to Rebekah and sent her away with Abraham’s servant and his men. The woman who had been Rebekah’s childhood nurse went along with her. “ (Genesis 24, 29-30, 50-59, New Living Translation)
In Genesis 24:29-30, you could see that Laban had always had a covetous eye and had a tendency to trick people but because of the firm ground Eleazar took in maintaining his boundaries on behalf of Isaac, who ended up being Rebecca’s husband, we never heard any records of Laban tricking Isaac later on the future. Fast-forward to the time of Jacob in Genesis 29, when Jacob wanted to marry Laban’s daughter Racheal and Laban tricked him into marrying Leah instead, Jacob did not maintain and enforce clear boundaries and as such, Laban kept on pushing the boundaries with Jacob to a point where he had changed his wages ten times (Genesis 31:7). Someone once said, “whatever you don’t resist has the right to remain”. It would be a lack of integrity not to communicate where boundaries have been crossed while venting on the inside. It is not their responsibility to set the boundaries in your home but their own responsibility to respect the boundaries you have clearly set.
4. Don’t Present a Fake Version of Yourself
The fear of rejection or not being loved usually pushes a person to present a fake version of themselves to their in-loves in an attempt for them to love them but the truth is, true love is not based on what we do or what we have but it is a choice. True love is unconditional. If a fake version of you is presented to your in-loves, this brings a burden to you as you need to keep upholding that image they have of you. Over time, you will not be able to keep up with that expectation. Remember, they are with you for life, so it is not worth putting up a false image of yourself. My spiritual dad says, “whatever you present confidently will always appear beautiful to others”. With boldness and confidence, present your true self to your in-loves and trust that they will accept you for who you are. This does not mean you can’t have some room for improvements but the motive should not be because you want them to love you. When Naomi decided to return to her hometown after the death of her husband and two sons (the husbands of her daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah), Orpah initially decided along with Ruth to follow her but when Naomi insisted again, Orpah decided not to proceed with Naomi and returned back to her own people (Ruth 1:7-14). Orpah might have thought to herself, “I don’t really want to go to this Judah, where I do not know anyone except Naomi and Ruth, plus I have a business here in Moab that is thriving and I would hate to see it get closed down with this move but I don’t know if Naomi will understand”. At the end of the day when Orpah decided to retreat from the journey, it did not make her mother-in-law hate her. Yes, I know it can be scary to present your true self, especially on the first visit to your home but remember that God has made you loveable, and presenting a fake version of you is built on a lie and that easily breaks trust with them. You are loved, loveable and loving and they will get to appreciate you for that.
5. Look Out for their Good
When you love a person, you have their best interest in mind and you look out for their good. If there is anything that you know will profit such a person, you will keep them aware of it. Likewise, the same selfless attitude should be extended to your in-loves! Have the very best interest for them and always seek out their good. You can do so by praying for them, financially supporting them, and providing relevant information tailored to them such as their health and career, among others. Ruth was looking out for the good of Naomi when she was seated in the face of favor before Boaz. She was presented with an abundance of food in front of her and she did not forget that she had a mother-in-law who was also in need. Instead, after she was satisfied, she gathered some take-away for her mother-in-law. That in itself was a thoughtful and selfless act.
“14 At mealtime Boaz called to her, “Come over here, and help yourself to some food. You can dip your bread in the sour wine.” So she sat with his harvesters, and Boaz gave her some roasted grain to eat. She ate all she wanted and still had some left over.
17 So Ruth gathered barley there all day, and when she beat out the grain that evening, it filled an entire basket. 18 She carried it back into town and showed it to her mother-in-law. Ruth also gave her the roasted grain that was left over from her meal.” (Ruth 2:14, 17-18, New Living Translation)
Peter’s mother-in-law was sick with a high fever and since Jesus was visiting them, they asked for his help and Jesus prayed over her and she was healed. Peter noticed an opportunity where divine help was needed and he reached out for it. If that request was not made, there is a likelihood Jesus wouldn’t have healed her.
“38 Then Jesus got up and left the synagogue and went to Simon’s (Peter’s) house. Now Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Him to help her. 39 Standing over her, He rebuked the fever, and it left her; and immediately she got up and began serving them [as her guests].” (Luke 4:38-39, Amplified)
Just as financial love tokens should be given to your biological parents, the same goes for your parents-in-love. It could be done monthly, quarterly, or whatever suits your situation but you need to ensure you bless them based on what you have. Please remember this should be done within your means and not outside of this. I do not recommend borrowing, as this is already breaking boundaries.
“If anyone fails to provide for his own, and especially for those of his own family, he has denied the faith [by disregarding its precepts] and is worse than an unbeliever [who fulfills his obligation in these matters].” (1 Timothy 5:8, Amplified)
The Lord is very interested in ensuring that you have a flourishing and enjoyable relationship with your in-loves and one of the secrets towards a lasting relationship with them is utilizing the help of the Holy Spirit. He is there to help navigate every interaction with them through His wisdom and directions. However, you need to have Jesus Christ in your life, in order to access the divine help from the Holy Spirit. This is one gift from Jesus Christ to you (He also has a love language). If you will like to introduce Jesus Christ into your life, all you have to do is say this prayer with me:
“Lord Jesus Christ, I believe you are the Son of God and I believe You died for me on the cross of Calvary. I know I am a sinner and today, I come to You to forgive me for all my sins and to make me a brand-new creation. I accept You as my personal Lord and Saviour. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me and making me born again, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Congratulations!!!! You are now born-again! This means you have been engrafted into the family of Jesus Christ. If you made this decision, I would love to hear from you today and provide resources for your new journey! Please kindly visit https://www.cccghq.org/newlife and also leave a comment on this post.